party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
