Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
