My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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