I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
