Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
