I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
