I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
