here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
