I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I met the friendliest cop last night
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
