nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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