a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
