i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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