I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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