I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
