now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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