I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize