I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
