She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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