Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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