That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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