Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
That was before I lit my hair on fire
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
