Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
