i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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