I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
