Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
