i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
