rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize