Non-Jews are for practice
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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