I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
so let's talk penis.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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