Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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