and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
