i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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