If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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