So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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