yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
