I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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