My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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