I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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