dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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