that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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