Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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