dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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