Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
