the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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