So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
