So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
