i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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