Moan for me like Helen Keller
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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