i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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