apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
