I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
