I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
