i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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