Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
