I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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