Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
